Today, due to lack of significant work, I’ve decided to write down my thoughts and various emotions on watching for the 1st time the 1st episode of Dark Matter. It is a show on Netflix, and it’s the first one that came up. Also it kinda sucks, which makes it more fun to review. Enjoy!
OMG it’s discount firefly!
Gasp. A MAN.
Yes. Run through the sparks. That won’t hurt.
“I have no idea who I am or who you are, but I’m going to attack you because this shows I am a strong female with fighting skills. *light smack* take that!”
Hello discount Jayne.
YAY no one knows anything, but we’ve already made witty quips at each other! Woo!
Why do they all feel the need to gasp when they come around? Were they not breathing before?
Discount Jayne is ahead of the game, nickname-wise. Let’s name the big black guy Tiny. That’s original.
Okay, this is definitely a Firefly ship. Did they reuse old sets?
Venting atmosphere? LOL what?
Oh wow. Awesome fighter AND tech geek. She’s not a stereotype.
Who names themselves numbers? Really? Plus Tiny already has a name.
Let’s play a game. It’s called who’s leader here? It CAN’T possibly be the guy who named himself number ONE. Nope.
Discount Jayne goes about breaking things like a good discount.
Discount Kaylie even has the same clothes…
What are we shipping? DRUGS! Oh, nope, it’s guns. Disappointing.
Strong Female Character is really bossy. And annoying.
Game: Take a shot every time Discount Jayne says something witty.
Whaaaat? Discount Jayne wants to be leader?! You can’t be leader, you’re not number One!
Yay! Plastic chairs are fun! I wonder if Tiny is a pilot. *sarcasm*
Shot every time Wannabe Leader states the obvious/gives exposition
Why on God’s good Earth would a torture chamber have swords?
The Asian guy is good with swords. Surprise, surprise.
Oh look, there’s even a discount River in a box. Don’t wake her up.
They woke her up. You’re not supposed to tap on the glass! Every zoo ever says so.
Robot River is a good fighter. Who isn’t on this ship?
Man I hate Strong Female Character.
Aw. Discount Kaylie’s a scared, helpless little girl. IN SPACE. How did she survive this long? Who wants to bet she turns out to be a super duper genius?
Discount Jayne is witty AND has a new nickname for someone.
JARGON! Woo!
MORE Jargon! So cool!
Okay. You can stop with the jargon now.
For reals.
Let’s all point swords at the dangerous robot. It’s not like she kicked our butts last time.
Triple Gasps all around.
Jargon.
Wannabe leader, you can… you can put down your gun now. Everyone else has.
Discount Jayne is paranoid. Huh. It’s almost like he’s the real Jayne but without the good acting/writing
LOL What? What was that weird finger thing Discount Jayne just did? Was that supposed to be threatening? I thought he was gonna boop Wannabe.
So far, Robot River is doing a better job of being a strong female character than Strong Female Character is. I bet she gets feelings later.
OH HEY! Discount Kaylie IS a genius! That didn’t take long. AND she’s a doctor. Woah. That’s unexpected *sarcasm*
Asian Man has a snail in his ear. Oh, nope, that’s just his com.
Yes. Because all lockers have secret compartments with weird puzzle boxes in them. And of course Asian Man is the one who’s going to solve it. Asians are smart.
That would be an alarm. Duh.
WELL INITIATE COUNTERMEASURES. Stupid. Stop with the jargon and just do things.
WHEE! Life is fun without gravity! Let’s not warn any of the others that we’re doing this, even though we’ve all got coms.
OF COURSE Strong Female Character lands perfectly. Of course she does. She’s perfect.
Discount Jayne is trying really, really hard to be real Jayne. Too hard.
THANKS Robot River. You couldn’t have said this earlier?
Shot every time Discount Kaylie looks scared.
Asian Man. He is a MAN … with a BOX! Ooo it moved! Such box! Much cool!
Tiny attempts tiny humor. It fails.
Discount Jayne shoots things. It backfires. Surprised? He was, for some reason.
Oooo mysterious door is mysterious!
Is Strong Female Character announcing ETA every 2 hours? She just said they had 12 hours to go. Now ten. No one seems to care. Or obey her order to sleep.
Come to Dark Matter. We have Glitter Sheets and cute, mysterious necklaces hidden conveniently under every pillow.
Wait, did Discount Jayne really expect the door to have been affected? Were we, as an audience, supposed to expect that?
You can’t force a ship. We have to actually like the characters before we ship them. Stop. We know she’s cold and heartless. We get it.
Fly safe? What? Are you no longer flying with them?
Yeah! Hip music! Kids are gonna love this show for it. It’s so hip.
Discount Jayne is paranoid. Take a shot.
Not here to cause trouble, but we’ve all got guns and we’re going to use them now to cause trouble.
Natives! Random name throwout! Stand off! Woo!
Obvious lie is obvious.
Natives are friendly… but not TOO friendly.
Random item name throwout.
Jaaargoooon.
Thought going through Wannabe’s mind: OMG SHE HAS MY NECKLACE! How she get dat? I got dat! How she do? Whaaaat?
OoOoOoo scary alien name throwout!
Blabla old enough bla bla
Wannabe is conflicted about ethics.
Symbolic necklace is symbolic.
Discount Jayne is trying. Hard core. To be Real Jayne. He fails. Again.
Wait, Discount Kaylie is a genius doctor AND good with wires AND she has visions AND she’s got a tragic past? Too much. Hellooo Mary Sue. I rebaptize you. Amen.
Wannabe is conflicted. Shot.
Discount Jayne is not. Shot.
Asian Man DOES talk! Ah. He’s the token pessimist. Bummer.
Yay! SFC has found a compromise so she gets to stay in control of everyone!
Sarcasm. Quip. Hate. Sarcasm.
2 minutes left! Phew.
Convenient Data find is convenient for a cliffhanger ending.
GASP! They’re all criminals! ALL of them! Wait … no. Nope. Mary Sue isn’t. There’s a disappointment.
And there it is! That’s the end of episode one! Not sure I’ll live through a second, unless I really entertained people, which is what I live for. So let me know!